Choosing Your Friends

Learn the value of true friendship by being a good friend. "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" (Proverbs 17:17).

by Larry W. Greider

You can't pick your brothers and sisters. You inherit them, and hopefully grow to love and appreciate them. Sadly, many brothers and sisters, through competition and struggle, lose the great joy God intended. As the proverb suggests, some only discover the love and closeness of their closest kin when the chips are down.

What makes good friends?

Do you have a best friend? Would you like to have a soul mate to confide in and grow close to by sharing your thoughts and feelings? Most young people move in and out of many superficial relationships trying not to be dumped, hurt, ridiculed or ostracized. There are many trivial reasons why people turn on others in our society. When values become focused on things rather than people, it is easy to run over the feelings of others in order to attract the fleeting eye of those judged to be "cool." These shallow relationships are like the early morning fog that dissipates as the day goes on.

How to make lasting friends

The purpose of this article is to help you discover the joy of a good friend, perhaps even a best friend. There are several important ground rules when picking and developing a relationship with others. Let me suggest a few guidelines:

• Pick those who have the same values (or who at least don't trash those things that are important to you). The Scriptures give timeless insight into the dynamics of relationships. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:33, "Do not be deceived: 'Evil company corrupts good habits.'"

  If you run with the turkeys, you will not soar with the eagles. Perhaps the single most powerful reason for doing what you know is not right is peer pressure. It is a rare and determined person who doesn't bend, at least part of the time, to the taunts and expectations of the crowd. Determine now to be your own person and pick those who will respect you for that! (For more information about this important subject be sure to read our article in this issue titled, "Rise Above Peer Pressure").

• Relationships take work. If you want friends, you need shared experiences. It is difficult to bump into someone in the hallway and consider him or her a true friend. A proverb explains, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly" (Proverbs 18:24). It is possible that your own brother or sister can be a close friend, but such a friendship takes the same amount of work, sometimes more, since there are more times for you to irritate each other.

  If you work on projects together, attend the same church, go to camp together or have the same interests, you'll find it much easier to have things in common that will help you bond with someone else. There are several keys that are vital. Listen to your friend and be willing to give and take--not just take. Also, keep a confidence (unless something you hear needs to be passed on, such as some abuse, drug habit or other serious problem).

• Be honest with each other. Perhaps nothing separates friends quicker than being insincere. If you want a good, lifelong relationship, be true and honest from the get-go. Again, the wisdom of the ancients rings so true for today: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful" (Proverbs 27:6). This doesn't mean that a boatload of discretion isn't needed. Just because you don't like an outfit or hairdo, you don't need to humiliate your friend. There is always something nice to say.

• Widen your circle of friends. If you make some good friends, don't form a clique. Open up your circle to include others, especially those who are new to your world. It takes some risk to open up to others and invite them in, but most of us are shy and awkward about starting friendships. If you see someone by himself or herself, share some of your time with that person. It might be one of the best investments you ever make.

  Due to the scattered nature of God's Church, you might have pockets of friends all over the world. Broaden your circle and take advantage of every opportunity to build a network of those who have the same values as yourself. Friends can help you grow and learn many new things. As the proverb says, "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend" (Proverbs 27:17).

The speed of change and deteriorating morality of our culture makes it a difficult place in which to live and grow. Our values are under assault at every turn. It can be overwhelming to struggle to succeed when many break the rules, are crass, vulgar, dishonest and yet, seem to gain the advantage. We need soul mates to help us through the rocky roads that lie ahead for each of us. Perhaps you can make the difference in someone else's life by developing many healthy friendships. United Youth Camps offer many opportunities to find and develop lifelong friendships. Why not make the effort to find those who have similar values and work at building relationships that will last a lifetime? You won't be sorry. After all, God created us to be His friends (James 2:23)! YU

How to Be a Good Friend

You never know when someone is going to call on you to be a friend. Many young people find it difficult to find someone in their community that has the same set of values and mind set. It is hard to find true friends who are willing to stick by your side through whatever may come. But those who find these rare individuals are truly blessed.

What is a best friend? Do you have one? Having a best friend is a true gift. Knowing that someone is there for you through thick and thin brings a whole new joy to life. Life for a teenager can be hard and even depressing, but knowing that there is someone there to call on if needed can certainly lighten the load. Today, possessions seem to take over our minds more and more and people tend to lose sight of the value of good, healthy relationships.

In life, we simply don't know whom we are going to encounter in the future or if someone will become a real friend. Even so, we can learn to be good friends ourselves. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions on how to be a good friend.

• Be there for them. Listen to them. When friends come for advice or an opinion, we have to give them our full attention by listening carefully. Eye contact helps and turning off any distractions lets them know that you take them seriously. Whether it's giving them a shoulder to cry on or patiently listening, show that you really care.

• Be honest. There is nothing more hurtful than lies. We have to earn a friend's trust, and nothing destroys trust more than lies. To be a good friend, be honest. When friends come to you, they should be confident that they are getting genuine, transparent truth. Although we all know the truth can sometimes sting, there is nothing like tactful honesty among friends, motivated by care and concern. Be true to your word and do as you say. This dependability will pay rich rewards in developing a lifelong friend.

• Don't exclude. Some of the best times come when we are with a group of friends. We don't always need to have just one best friend. Having 10 or 20 will provide lots of security and comfort. It will also mean that we are more likely to have one around when we need one. Being friendly encourages others to want to be around us. We all need friends, so why not offer to be one for others?

• Be understanding. If you are lucky enough to have a friend in the Church nearby, more power to you. Often there isn't another person in your entire school who believes like you do. If your friends have different beliefs, you will need to give each other a little latitude for differences of opinions. The important thing is to show respect to each other.

In today's world there are a lot of traps we must avoid, and sometimes we may be surprised to learn how many other young people are trying to do what is right. If we live what we have been fortunate enough to learn, people will honor and respect us for our values. If we are good friends to others, it is likely that our circle of friends will also grow. As we move through life, let's remember how important good friends are! — Aaron Greider YU