The Friend-O-Meter

Posted May 11, 2007

A commentary by Dave Archer

Have you ever been completely shocked at something that a friend said or did?

Maybe your friend lied, used foul language, stole, cheated or took God's name in vain. All these behaviors have become too much second nature in the world around us, so it often takes a "friend's" outrageous action or word to make you do a double take on the situation. The scene is set, and you are faced with a decision.

What decision? Surely we can let such offenses slide, let our friend keep taking the Lord's name in vain or making crude jokes while he laughs it off like it was nothing, can't we? Consider this: It might have been nothing to the friend, but was it nothing to God and, therefore, should it be nothing to us? In pursuing the true faith of Jesus Christ, who do we really want to please in life?

Should it matter what our friends say and do around us? "He who walks with wise men [young or old] will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed" (Proverbs 13:20). We have to decide the value of these "offensive" friendships compared to the worth we place on our own walk with God. Read The Importance of Right Friendships, a chapter in the free booklet Making Life Work.

Does this then mean we should pack up shop and stop hanging out with these friends?

In the case of destructive behaviors such as binge drinking, taking or dealing drugs, stealing—generally anything that could swing you into jail—and sexual immorality, avoidance is the answer. But in the context of those "littler" offenses, here are two pointers to refining a friendship that may be pulling you down.

• Offensive communication: In the case of swearing, dirty jokes and taking God's name in vain, voice your displeasure. Often people say such things without thinking. Sometimes after a quick word, reasonable friends will bridle their tongues around you, which is good for them as well as you.

• Offensive actions: Be it pilfering items from work or mistreating others, the answer is positive actions backed by positive words! Live what you claim by asking the friend to quit these negative actions. Then back your words up with positive actions—showing them the right way by a good personal example!

Remember: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful" (Proverbs 27:6).

Of course, this all must be done humbly and with kindness and love, or you may be offending in return! People are naturally resistant to someone who seems self-righteous and judgmental. For example, privately saying, "It makes me uncomfortable to hear God's name used that way" may be more effective than a shrill condemnation.

Standing up for what is right to a stranger is hard enough, but standing up to a mate when necessary takes bravery and a vision for something better. Yet that is what's so good about this. By seeking better friendships, you can find better friends.

Addressing a friend's offensive actions and words is like being a Friend-O-Meter to help our friends and ourselves. The good friends we seek tend to listen and change their actions (as should we if the roles were reversed). However, those who don't listen or make an effort to change might be the type of people who are not a good influence on us. Switch on the Friend-O-Meter and make the choice for the right kind of friendships. VT