The Welcome Guest

Do you know what to do when you stay at someone's home? Read this article for tips on how to make sure your host will want to invite you to come again.

by Susan Blumel-Berg

Not too many years ago, I was exhausted from school and work. Some very kind friends invited me to come and spend a few days with them in Southern California, and I accepted! All was well until a few minutes after boarding my plane. There was a problem with one engine, so I was transferred to another flight scheduled to arrive only 20 minutes later than the original. Not the end of the world, surely?

Unfortunately I had made the mistake of forgetting my address book with phone numbers, so things started downhill fast. Upon arriving at my destination more than an hour later than scheduled, my friends had left, and now I discovered my host's phone number was not listed in the phone book. My lack of planning resulted in a very stressful beginning to a visit with friends.

Fortunately I was able to get their number by calling another friend whose number I knew by memory, but by then it was very late and my host had to make a second trip to the airport. It was a painful lesson for me to learn, especially since there was about an hour when I fretting and could not figure out how to communicate with my friends, and because my mistake had such an adverse effect on their evening.

About 2,500 years ago Aeschylus wrote, "Pleasantest of all ties is the tie of host and guest." But clearly such pleasant ties don't just happen. They are based on mutual feelings of responsibility, consideration and appreciation. Positive, enjoyable connections also depend on delightful (or at least contented) interactions between host, hostess and guest.

The Bible also offers insights on the subject. Proverbs 18:24 reminds us, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly." This is where being a welcome guest begins. No one is born with these skills. Rather, they are learned though observation, instruction, practice and even making mistakes (but hopefully keeping the latter to a minimum).

How important is it to learn the skills necessary to be a welcome houseguest? God created all of us with the need for social interaction. Developing meaningful, enduring and satisfying social relationships with some depth usually requires knowing our friends in their own homes (or ours) according to A.R. Free, an expert on social etiquette.

There are other advantages of learning to become a "welcome guest," as well. By taking note of how others offer hospitality successfully, we can also become a better host. Finally, skills for giving and receiving hospitality can be passed on to the next generation.

In the months and years ahead, there will likely be many opportunities to be a houseguest. What follows is a list of some points to consider when preparing for overnight visits in other's homes. It helps to know and remember to practice such special courtesies. Many of the items listed below you probably already know. Others may be new.

Planning and communication

Before leaving home, it is important to discuss plans with your host. There are usually several important details that need to be worked out. If your host does not bring all of these up, you may wish to.

• Discuss with your host the expected day and time of arrival; also departure.
• Do either you or your host have any special plans or expectations during the visit?
• Is the purpose of your visit to spend time with the host or see the area?
• What will you need to bring and what may be borrowed? Plan to bring appropriate clothing, etc., as much as possible, both casual and a bit more formal.
• If you plan to bring a pet, ask if this is OK. Are you allergic to any pets the host may have?
• Inform your host of any special dietary restrictions.
• If you are with a larger group, plan on bringing sleeping bags and let the host know this plan.
• Remember when packing to keep phone numbers and addresses accessible, in order to get in touch in case of emergency, perhaps through a third person.

The visit

Overall, guests should enjoy themselves and show it while participating in activities planned for them.

• Attempt to adopt the schedule of the host, or at least respect it.
• Avoid both complaints and criticisms.
• If there are other guests, be polite and amiable to all. Show interest in all members of the family, and do your best to contribute to conversations and activities, especially those planned for you. Avoid, however, joining personal conversations between your host and hostess. Proverbs 25:11 encourages using wisdom and kind words: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."
• A guest who looks around for ways to be helpful or offers specific help with such tasks as setting the table, preparing food, cleaning up or offering to walk the dog, is usually greatly appreciated. But don't overdo such offers or be too insistent.
• Find ways to keep occupied when the host is busy.

Respect for property

In general, guests should take special care of their host's property.

• If the host has not offered use of electronic equipment, ask before using it.
• If you have no cell phone, obtain and use a phone card for personal long distance calls.
• Keep borrowed items to a minimum.
• Pick up after yourself in your room and keep public areas as neat as possible; if sleeping bags are spread across the floor at night, roll them up and arrange them neatly during the day; keep personal possessions out of the way.
• Tell the host/ess about accidents so cleanup can be done or damage minimized.
• Remove mud from shoes, or remove muddy shoes before entering the main part of a home.
• Keep shoes off furniture and beds.
• Make your bed each day.
• In the bathroom, be considerate. Clean the tub or shower and sink of hair, spilled cosmetics, toenail clippings, etc. Wipe water off counters. In a shared bathroom, remove personal items to leave room for others to put their things on the counter.
• Wash dirt from hands and face with soap and water, before using a towel.

Food and meals

Sharing meals together is a major focus of both giving and receiving hospitality. Give thought to the following.

• Try to be on time for meals; call if you must be late for dinner.
• Occasionally a host will ask you for food (or entertainment) preferences, such as asking you to choose between two dinner menus. Respond enthusiastically with your preference, rather than "either is fine."
• If you have allergic reactions to any foods, let your host know in advance.
• There may be times when you prepare your own snacks or meals. Always clean up after yourself, and dispose of trash properly.
• Proverb 23:1-2 and 23:20-21 warn against eating too much and alcohol intoxication (for those of legal age to drink). Consider the number of people still not served and how costly an item may be to the host family before serving food to yourself. Sadly, intoxicated guests easily embarrass themselves, other guests and the host.

Ending the visit

All good things must come to an end, including time spent as a houseguest. Proverbs 25:17 warns, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house, lest he become weary of you."

• Make every effort not to stay beyond the planned day of departure.
• When packing, take an extra moment to try to make sure you have everything.
• Keep good-byes short.
• A thank you gift for the hostess is always thoughtful, but not a necessity. If you wish to give one, consider flowers or candy. A gift from your local region or personal garden is a unique way to share one's home with the host, perhaps a bottle of maple syrup or jam from your state or a few tomatoes from your garden.

There is an interesting story in 2 Kings 4:8-17 about Elisha as a houseguest. Elisha and Gehazi made a special effort to give the Shunamite woman a gift that reflected their appreciation to her for her frequent and remarkable hospitality.

• Writing and sending a thank-you note after leaving your host's home is considered essential and one last opportunity to express appreciation. Luke 17:15-18 relates the story of how only one man turned back to glorify and thank God for his healing, although 10 were healed. It was noticed.

Hopefully these ideas will stimulate thought and increase enjoyment during future opportunities as a houseguest. Each occasion is a chance to deepen connections with others, to show kindness and to express pleasure. Although no one can be a perfect guest (or host) all the time, it is the sincere effort that is most appreciated. VT

An Easy Quiz for Houseguests

1. As you are washing your hands in the bathroom of your hosts' home, you notice your hair has become windblown during the day's activities, so you:

A. go back to your room to get your brush and fix your hair.
B. figure, hey, it's summer so no one should care how you look.
C. find a brush in a drawer of your hosts' bathroom, and use it.

2. Your host has invited you to make yourself at home, and suggested several items for snacking. That afternoon you are hungry and decide to enjoy an apple from the offered bowl of fruit. You:

A. peel stickers off the apple and stick them on the fruit bowl.
B. prepare and eat the apple, cleaning up after yourself.
C. find a knife to core and pare the apple, leaving the knife and scraps on the counter.

3. Many guests in your group are sharing a rather small bathroom. Since others are waiting for you to finish, you:

A. leave behind hair in the shower, spilled toothpaste and mint julep masque on the sink counter, or toenail clippings on the floor.
B. leave your cosmetic case or shaving kit open and on top of the sink counter so you can be quicker next time.
C. hastily clean up after yourself and remove personal items so the bathroom is pleasant for the next person.
D. leave the soiled tissue on the floor where you missed the trash can.

4. Your host has made you feel so "at home," you feel comfortable:

A. playing your rock CDs on their equipment to welcome them home.
B. telling your hostess how to present a dish more attractively at dinner one evening.
C. leaving your personal CD player, magazines, cell phones, etc. on the kitchen table or counter.
D. none of the above.

Answers: 1 A, 2 B, 3 C, 4 D.